Monday 10th July 2006 – It’s a glorious hot summers day. Now at five months pregnant, the morning sickness is still going strong. I remember it was the same while pregnant with Rakhi – I just could not stop being sick, until well into my third trimester.
Suresh has taken the day off work, while I am enjoying my extended ‘stay at home Mum’ role. We are booked for our 20 week anomaly scan today at UCLH. The 12 week scan was a couple of months ago in early May, at Edgware Hospital. The sonographer prodded and poked my belly for what seemed, just a few seconds too long, which made me ask him if everything was ok. The baby was in an awkward position and he couldn’t quite see everything he needed to see. The kidneys measured slightly larger than they should, and so we would be referred to UCLH for our 20 week scan. Our minds were now filled and occupied with this new concern.
Despite the constant background humming of concern floating in the thick, hot summer air, we get ourselves ready to head over to UCLH. Rakhi is left behind with her Nana and Nani. She is the centre of attention in our world and occupies all the space we have in our hearts, but today it is important to give that undivided attention and space to the little person growing in my tummy. I am super happy, excited and eagerly looking forward to seeing my baby again on the screen. Probably the happiest I’ve felt in a long time…never did I imagine I would witness this day – 5 months into my second pregnancy, when at some point in the not so distant past, I was stuck, deep, in the darkest place any woman can be…
After leaving Rakhi with my parents in Edgware, Suresh and I hop onto the 288 bus towards Edgware station. I don’t travel on the tube often, so when I do, I really am a big kid! Suresh on the other hand, is accustomed to travelling daily to work on the tube so doesn’t quite get why I am so excited. We sit on the Northern Line over to Warren Street Station. What strikes me as I walk out of Warren Street is the colour blue (as it also crosses the Victoria line) at this point I have a silly thought in my head – I wonder if this baby is a boy. Walking over to the hospital, It feels as though I am almost skipping along, beside Suresh. I am very indecisive, so I am asking Suresh if we should find out the sex of the baby this time. (Perhaps secretly I do want to know, and want him to say yes). He doesn’t really give me a straight answer. We haven’t decided if we should or shouldn’t and in the next moment we have already reached the door of the building we need to be in. All of a sudden, the attention has shifted to which floor, which corridor and which reception desk. We check in and are asked to take a seat. I am taking in this new surrounding, before I’ve even had the chance to scan my eyes over all that’s here and what’s posted on the notice boards in the waiting area, we are called in and I am on the couch, with leggings protected by tissue rolled down over the tidy bump.
The Dr. checks with us both that we know the reason for this referral. I explain what we have been told and she very kindly smiles and says, “well, let’s have a look shall we?” I am watching her face as she keeps her eyes glued to the screen – I am trying to see if I can tell what she is seeing and thinking. She surprises me at how quickly she makes her diagnosis. Very confidently, she says “both kidneys are slightly larger than what they should be, commonly referred as bilateral dilated kidneys, but nothing to worry about. This means, soon after your baby is born the paediatric team will administer antibiotics to avoid any infection” in the next breath she asks “did you want to know the sex of the baby?” I am dumbstruck, my brain hasn’t quite caught up yet with the information she just shared with us about the kidneys being dilated, let alone absorb and respond to her subsequent question. I am flapped with my response, looking at Suresh for an answer – but typically I don’t get one, he just looks straight back at me and says “up to you” why couldn’t he just say “yes” or “no” hate it when he leaves me to make the decision…. but then, I wonder if he does, because he’s worried he’ll get it wrong and get into trouble! 🙈🤣 I dither and come up with a pathetic response “not sure, all my symptoms are like they were in my last pregnancy, so I‘m pretty certain it’s a girl…” the Dr. has kept her eyes on the screen all this time, she just blurts it out “it’s a boy”…. I am left gobsmacked, I was certain my maternal instinct was screaming out a girl to me all this time. I had to ask her if she was sure, by now she is looking at me directly, wiping the equipment clean with a tissue handed to her by a nurse and turning the screen towards me, she says “yes, I’m certain it’s a boy”. My response to all this for the next few minutes is “OMG! I really thought it was a girl, OMG!!” I feel a little nervous and shocked. My head is still adjusting and registering the news.
Until this point, I had never visaged being the mother to a boy, only to a girl. I guess it’s easier to visualise what you already know. I was such a natural with Rakhi, wasn’t quite sure I would know how to be with my son. Would it be different? I don’t know… Every girl needs at least one amazing sister in her life, I am blessed with two and wanted Rakhi to have one. But then, on the flip side, how wonderful it would be to finally welcome a little boisterous boy into this family…
I get myself cleaned up and we swiftly leave the building. Back outside, the velvet touch of the midday sun warms me to my core. We walk back to Warren Street station with Baby scan picture in my hand. I keep looking at it and smiling and am saying to Suresh “OMG Suresh, we are having a boy, I was so convinced it was a girl” he keeps his thoughts and feelings internal, doesn’t express much externally – leaves that for me to do as we walk back hand in hand to the station…
This morning, I have searched my home high and low to find the baby scan pictures to share with this years fb post. I could not find them anywhere, all of a sudden I found myself melting down and crying, almost in a panic. How could I be so stupid, to misplace something so important…and then it came to me where they might be and found myself crying even harder. I went running down to the office, tucked away on the very top shelf is Krishans’ file…and there they were, along with so many more memories I’d almost forgotten I’d kept safe, and so I finally let out all the tears built up for this year and cried long and hard some more…
People we meet, people we don’t meet, places we end up, places we don’t find, situations we find ourselves in and then those situations we manage to slip out of…At times it’s not clear why it’s happening the way it does, until much later. Then you look back and realise it had to happen that way. You were being guided, even protected in some shape or form perhaps. Looking back at how the story unfolded, I now understand why we were referred to UCLH to be told the kidneys were dilated – because we also needed to be told the sex of the baby at that stage in the pregnancy, so we had time to think and have a name in mind the night our son passed away, when we were asked on the spot “does he have a name?” To be added to his hand and footprint memory and records. The fact that his kidneys were dilated and he was given antibiotics shortly after birth, perhaps meant I was protected from the pain of ever getting to the bottom of the reason as to why my son died…
A little boy, who today would have officially been a teenager! OMG a teenager!! 😱
Love you forever my boy! 💙
B
X
P.s
A quote I came across today which made me smile and feel right to be sharing memories of my son this way to my world…
…‘How extraordinary it is to know, many people walk this earth with their mind filled with memories of you.’ – Dane Thomas