Rakhi was born at 38 weeks, I almost thought this baby would be too. At 38 weeks I thought I was going into labour, but then it all stopped quite suddenly. (This explains the post mortem results, which is another memory for another year to share with you all, when, and if, I ever feel ready to share it). This little baby is being lazy, still tucked up nice and warm in my tummy with no sign of wanting to come into this crazy world. I have heard people say “girls are born early and boys late”. We already know we are having a boy this time, so I go with this saying and believe he will be ‘a lazy little boy’. Although I have enjoyed this pregnancy, I won’t lie, I now feel exhausted. With a little 15 month old running around me, demanding so much of my attention and energy, I sometimes even forget I am pregnant.

The light, but frequent, noticeable pain is a reminder to me what early stages of Labour feels like and I know this is it, it’s happening, he’s on his way. I drift in and out of sleep. I awake a little later, at the first sight of light, which slips through the curtains, teasing like a gentle feather. Though only a sliver, it brightens the room. A reminder that no matter how much I welcome the quiet of the night, the day will always follow. Birds start to awake, chirping the arrival of a new day. Today feels different. I lay still in bed, listening to the reason why. This time more noticeable pain – Today is the day my son will be born for sure. Although I have been through it all before with Rakhi, I can’t help but feel a little apprehensive, maybe because this time I know exactly what to expect and remember how damn painful childbirth actually is! 😩 Although, the pain seems like an instant, distant memory the moment your baby is placed in your arms. I deliberately toss and turn in bed in the hope it wakes Suresh…the plan works! He’s awake and asking if I’m ok 🤣. I tell him “Baby is on his way”. To my amazement, he acts super cool, not really shifting from bed… however, soon enough he realises this is no false alarm and it’s the real deal, he calls in at work to start his 2 weeks paternity leave…how exciting!

We potter about the house in the morning. Getting Rakhi ready, putting on a wash, final hospital bag packing – I find myself stopping more frequently and needing to slow down to take a breathe. I decide to go into Rakhi’s bedroom and sit on the gym ball, to listen to some calming music. It definitely helps. I look around me and notice Rakhi’s bedroom is turned into a storage space with baby car seat, buggy, nappy boxes, moses basket – ready to build and put up, only once Baby arrives, not before – I am a little superstitious like that. I feel a little overwhelmed seeing all this before me, but excited nevertheless.

This time, like the last, I have planned a water birth. I am grateful to have already experienced a spontaneous natural birth with Rakhi, I know too well, for some it’s not even an option, not because they are afraid to push or any less a woman than those who are able to have a natural delivery but because they have no choice, but, to opt for a Caesarean section for the safe delivery of their baby, I actually think it is by far a more difficult birth to endure than a natural delivery, as the recovery is so much more complex…respect to all those strong women out there who have experienced this, just as rewarding birthing experience no doubt, as the end result is still the same – a beautiful baby in the mother’s arms!

During my water birth experience with Rakhi, I panicked when I reached the transition stage, I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. I was in survival mode. I was overwhelmed by rectal pressure, and touch was distracting. I wanted an epidural…I panicked at the thought of having to push without any pain relief 🙈, I insisted to be taken to hospital, turns out by the time I was transferred to the hospital from the birthing centre, it was too late for me to be given an epidural and was already getting the urge to push my baby out. The pushing stage is what I was really afraid of the first time, but actually was the most easiest stage of childbirth. So this time, I was going to maintain in control, I knew what to expect and knew when I reached the transition stage – the part of labour which demands complete surrender, which by far is the hardest moment of childbirth for me, to zone in, focus on myself internally and totally trust and work with my mind, body and soul, to keep going. How your labour progresses, and how it feels, are beyond your control. Your job is to follow your body’s lead: Accept, and work with, the sensations that are bringing your baby to you.

I am lucky to be experiencing this today, a blessing for a second time in my lifetime when for some it’s a struggle…although, it was not an easy journey for us either. It was only after an ectopic pregnancy, which led to the loss of my left fallopian tube and a lovely 6” laparotomy scar across my bikini line to remind me daily of this loss, diagnosis of PCOS, struggling with infertility for several years and then to top it all off, a keyhole ovarian drilling procedure! When I had given up all hope of ever being a mother, and I was truly done with all the tears which followed every time a friend or family member announced their happy pregnancy news, while my womb remained empty, how I felt helplessly stuck in a downward spiral, when I actually, mentally gave up ‘trying for a baby’… just like magic, I fell pregnant with Rakhi…in the split second it took for the pregnancy test to show positive, I felt like I had surfaced from under water and could breathe again. So we thought it best to try again for baby No 2 when Rakhi was 6 months old. I was already on a career break after accepting a healthy redundancy package from my ex employer, when 7 months pregnant with Rakhi. It made sense not to take anymore precious time, I remember actually saying to Suresh, “knowing our luck, it will take us another few years to fall pregnant again”…and just like that…without an ounce of trouble, I found out on my birthday I was pregnant, so soon! Aisha, being the competitive sister, believes she is my special girl, because she was born after her brother, and likes the idea of being the one to bring light to our life after Krishan died, but I remind her every so often how special her big sister, Rakhi is too, for giving me hope of being a mother, when I felt so helpless. They both like to hear what makes them so special for me, in their own ways…

The contractions are now well set on their way, it is late morning, Suresh has called my mum over, she is my pillar of strength. I don’t think I would be standing the strong woman I am today if it wasn’t for her beside me showing me how. She is over in a flash it seems and giving me the most wonderful leg and foot massage ever! How is it Mums know exactly what her child needs most and when? Apparently to have your legs massaged while in labour is meant to make it all easier. She has such warm, healing hands. My Mum is telling me, a woman is born three times in her lifetime – first when she is born as a daughter, second when she marries and enters her marital home, and thirdly when she gives birth and becomes a mother. Each time she is born, she is stronger than her previous self. Each birth she has to endure, there is danger, and to come through each birth makes her a stronger woman! Do I feel strong?…damn right I do, for I am about to experience the power of the strong woman inside of me once again, taking on the force of nature!…But, is it not true, all women are strong? Regardless of whether they have experienced these two extra lives or not – I believe a woman is reborn, again and again in many forms and walks of life. I don’t have the energy to argue with my mum on this one, at this particular time and remind myself I am strong and will get through this experience once again.

I am now having to stop and focus on my breathing every 10-15 minutes or maybe less it seems. The doorbell goes – who is it? oh please, no visitors 🙈… it’s my cousin Dipa, she has come to give Mithai (sweets) for the birth of her little daughter Aayushi, who is now a month old. She is with her mum – Ramu Fai (my Dads sister). Ramu Fai is a comedian and can have us all laughing in stitches in no time, I’m a little worried she’ll make me laugh and my waters will break! I don’t let on I am in labour. Not quite sure how I manage to keep a straight face. I go into the kitchen and lean over the work surface to breathe out my contraction and calmly walk back into the front room to pick up conversation. Soon they leave – Every year I am reminded of this moment, either when I see on FB Aayushi is celebrating her birthday, and is another year older or on my sons birthday, when I run through the events of the day in my head… Dipa also seems to know this memory has crossed my mind again, as it has hers, we never fail to exchange a little messenger chat, where we spend a brief moment together remembering my Son.

My contractions are much closer, it must be early afternoon, maybe 1pmish. My mother in law has also popped around and helping with keeping Rakhi entertained. We decide it’s time to make our way to Edgware birthing centre. Both Mums are left with Rakhi at home. Rakhi seems oblivious to all that’s happening around her, all of a sudden she seems so grown up to me. I just want to hold her for a moment and take in how tiny she actually is, before she officially gains the ‘big sister’ title. There is a level of excitement in the air when we leave home… both grannies are eagerly looking forward to the new arrival. We’ve not shared with any of our family & friends the sex of the Baby. We cannot wait to share our joy and euphoria once again with everyone.

At the birthing centre, I am shown my room. I walk in and notice it’s a prominently pink room!… how I wish it was blue for my boy…Fairly quickly we settle in, I love the ambience of this birthing centre. The birthing pool has been filled and I am soon in the warmth of the water, totally in my zone, with a full tank of magical gas and air, lights dimmed, soft instrumental music being played in the back ground. A very text book, holistic, birthing experience you could imagine it to be. The midwife – Sue Grant, is in and out of the room. I feel in total control of my body, despite the contractions coming thick and fast. Suresh is relaxed, watching a bit of TV in the room, like you do! Keeps popping his head in and out of the pool area – this may sound a little odd, but I am totally cool with this, it’s how I prefer to be – left alone, I am irritated very easily by touching, massaging and fussing over me at this late stage of Labour, he knows this. Just knowing he is there is enough for me. During transition, the rational mind is wholly subsumed. Some women describe transition as an out-of-body experience. Let your partner deal with the external world, while you focus inward.

I start to feel the urge to push, now, I remember from the last time when I get the urge to push, it means I have reached the top of the hill, I’ve got through the transition stage and the cervix is fully dilated. I am a little surprised how quickly I’m feeling the urge to push. Suresh calls Sue, and i’m glad to share with you all at this point, he switches off the TV and is beside me for the remainder of the birth 🤣. In fact, he has actually captured parts of our afternoon at the birth centre on the camcorder. We have a full 14 minute recording of our sons birth! I love to watch this short, bitter sweet video every so often. I probably don’t watch it enough. 12 years on, when I do watch it, it all seems a little surreal and like a past life to me now. I guess sharing memories like this with you all brings him back to life for me again, albeit if only for a brief moment!

The whole birthing experience seems so much more controlled this time, I feel empowered to be in total sync. with my breathing and my body, such a powerful feeling. Soon enough, Sue is telling me to pant as the baby will be out literally in the next push. Once again, I am surprised Sue is telling me to pant, it all seems to be rolling on drama free…how did I get to this stage? That dreaded transition stage just seems to have passed me by. Maybe it was a mind over matter thing. Maybe being in the water meant I didn’t feel the pain like I did the last time. As I pant, I prepare myself to scoop my little boy out of the water, I’m shaking, with one final push out he pops, all scrunched up, really calm and quiet at 15:14. He has his right hand up to his right ear – this is how he is born. Many of his early pics we have are of him with his right hand in this position. Sue refers to it, as him doing the ‘superman impersonation’ Suresh cuts the cord while I have a quick skin to skin cuddle in the water, soon enough though, my son is wrapped up in a towel and begins his very short journey.

Good few minutes after the birth of my son I am still waiting for the placenta to be expelled. Sue decides to take me out of the water and onto dry land to help expel the placenta. Many of you will already know, this third stage of labour usually happens within a few minutes of giving birth, but for some reason it’s not happening for me. I’m not in the slightest bit concerned at this stage, as I am preoccupied with the sight of my new little bundle of joy, I am in total awe of him, within minutes of giving birth to him he is already the epitome of love that moves my whole universe. I can see he is born healthy and is searching for his first feed, suckling on his hand while Sue is preparing his name tags. I have not had the opportunity to feed him. While I am still waiting for the placenta, Sue brings him to me, for his first feed, in the hope this might help to expel the placenta…feeding seems so much more easier this time, like a duck to water, I remember instantly, how to latch him on correctly, first time, and he knows how to suckle to take his first feed from me without any fuss so naturally (unlike his sister!)… what a beautiful moment this is…

Buoyed by the arrival of his son, Suresh calls home and tells the two Grannies of their grandsons arrival. They are both overjoyed. It’s my mum who has answered the call and senses something is not all how it should be, (how is it Mums just know?) she probes Suresh further and asks to speak to me. I reassure her on the phone all is ok, and the placenta is taking a little longer than expected. I think my response to her concern is very calm and she is OK now that she has spoken to me, although she has mentioned in the conversation this is very dangerous, but then drops the conversation not wanting to worry me. Suresh has also called his Dad with the news at work, who instantly has sent out an email to the extended Jesani family to announce the arrival of the latest Jesani family addition – we didn’t have what’s app back then for instant sharing of news good or bad to family and friends! Both grannies have their own jobs – one is babysitting, while the other rushes home to prepare some special, Indian, super health food given to the mother soon after birth to help regain strength. It’s a little like marmite – you either love it or hate it… lucky for me, I quite like the stuff, and am quietly looking forward to being on this super strength, special diet for the next few weeks. 😋

On the other hand, I can see midwife Sue’s growing concern. We are now 4, maybe 5+ hours post delivery and still waiting for the placenta!! Sue tries all that she can to stop me from having to move to the local hospital in this time, but nothing works, “It’s a retained placenta” she says, although I am not losing blood, she is now worried for me. A retained placenta is, in itself, life-threatening because of its association with infection and postpartum haemorrhage. Manual removal of a retained placenta is also not without risk. She tells me I will need to be moved to the local hospital. How inconvenient…when all I want, is to just relax in this lovely pink room with my little boy dressed in a white babygro with baby bunny rabbits sat in blue cars, on blue bikes and blue scooters all over it! We call home and let the parents know I am being transferred to Barnet hospital in the ambulance, while Suresh follows in the car.

In the ambulance I am strapped to my stretcher, holding my baby, I start to feel a little dizzy, the ambulance is stopped while Sue takes hold of my son. We are then blue lighted to the hospital. Once at the hospital, I am wheeled into a room where there are 2 cubicles. I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but I can hear the lady next door talking to the Doctor, with only a very thin curtain to separate us both, she has also been transferred from the birthing centre with a 3rd degree tear, for which she needs stitches and will stay for a few days. Her son was born at around the same time as mine, in the room next door to mine, I wonder if she had a blue room…Once Sue hands me over to the hospital staff she comes over to say her goodbyes and leaves. I found out weeks later when she left me at that point, she felt very uneasy about the situation. (again, another memory to share, for another year with you all).

So, I am bed bound and Daddy is on ‘nappy duty!’ Suresh has to change his sons 1st ever nappy while I watch on, giving instructions. Suresh looks a little nervous with this task. Being a very hands on kind of mother, I am secretly wishing it was me changing my sons 1st nappy. The doctor soon comes around to have a chat with me and now it’s the lady next door’s turn to eavesdrop on my story and hear the reason for me being there – I am actually thinking this while talking to the Doctor!

The young, Asian lady Doctor explains to me what a retained placenta is, I find myself staring at her, although I am listening, instead of paying full attention to what she is telling me, I watch her every move and gesture, I wonder if she has any children, (bit of an odd thought, I know!) As she goes on to explain, that only during the manual removal procedure itself, she will know how much of the placenta is retained. She says in some cases, with a small nudge, pull and tug, it comes away, in other cases it is fixed to the uterine wall and needs to be pulled away with force. In worst case scenario, if the placenta is deeply imbedded into the uterine wall, she would need to perform a hysterectomy and there is a high chance I could haemorrhage and need a blood transfusion! Now on hearing this you would think I would be a little shaken, instead, I am cool as a cucumber. The thought which goes through my mind as I sign the consent forms is ‘my family is complete, I don’t plan to have anymore children, so if worst case scenario I need a hysterectomy that’s OK!’ We are left alone for a little while. During this time the grandparents have popped over for a quick visit and cuddle with little man and to drop the super, post delivery, health food off for me 😋. It really is a flying visit as they are not allowed to stay in the cubicle with us. Today I am grateful for these few pictures we have of him with them four.

The nurse comes to take me through to theatre, as I am wheeled out I look at Suresh holding our son and feel a little uneasy, not quite sure why, but for the first time, I have a gut feeling something is going to go wrong. Maybe it’s a natural feeling to have every time anyone is wheeled into theatre. I say to him “look after him”… maybe subconsciously I now think something might happen to me… Although, it felt like I was not listening at the time, the conversation with the Doctor is all of a sudden in the forefront of my mind.

Once in the operating theatre the anaesthetist is preparing me for an epidural. How ironic, I didn’t need an epidural for the birth and now needing it for the after birth! A lovely theatre nurse holds my hand the whole time, she reassures me all is well throughout the whole removal procedure. I guess I am one of the luckier ones to have the placenta only partially embedded into the uterine wall… no haemorrhage, blood transfusion or hysterectomy needed! (Fast forward, to Friday 20th Nov 2015, at a SANDS meeting in Park Plaza Hotel, Victoria – I am suddenly reminded of this moment and realise how lucky I am, after hearing how one Mums experience of a retained placenta was very different to mine, which nearly took her life and left her needing both a hysterectomy and a blood transfusion, when she came back around from the anaesthetic she learnt the devastating news of her daughter’s passing).

I am soon out of the theatre, on a heavy dose of IV antibiotics to avoid the risk of infection and I’m back in the recovery cubicle with my baby. Feels odd that I cannot feel my lower limbs and cannot get up to attend to him. By now it is late night, Suresh is allowed to stay with us until we are given our bed on a ward. Once on the ward, I am back next door to the same lady as before. The whole time I am there the curtain between our beds is drawn and I never actually see her or her sons face, but I can eavesdrop to my hearts content. She has been moved up to the ward just before me, with her son, born on the same day as mine in the same birthing centre, in the birthing room next door to mine…I often wonder how she is and how her son is and how her life is getting on…

Suresh helps me to unpack a few bits from our hospital bag as I literally cannot move. He then leaves for home. The nurse on night duty, reassures me, should my son cry during the night she will attend to him to change his nappy and pass him to me for feeds. With this thought, I decide it’s time for me to get some much needed rest, while my baby sleeps.

Throughout the night I drift in and out of sleep. Babies are crying all around me, each time I awake to check it’s not mine. The nurse is true to her word, she cares for my son that night like a mother…she brings him to me for a feed. I cannot believe he is finally here… I feel content and fulfilled in my solitude, my family is finally complete, after what seems like an eternity of waiting I can now move on and enjoy being a mother to my two children. It’s not been an easy journey for us to reach this happy place, I feel elated that we have, as I quietly watch him feed in the stillest hour of the night…

Happy birthday my sweet little boy…

Thank you once again for allowing me to share another one of Krishan’s memories with you all and taking the time to read another little part of my heart. I share with you all this year the only picture I have of him and I together, soon after he is born, doing his superman impersonation at the birthing centre while I patiently wait for the placenta!…. along with a few others, which take me back to this day.

Maybe, today is the day for me to revisit my ‘Richest Moment’ and take out from the very back of my wardrobe, the pale yellow sari I wore for Diwali Oct 2006, which until now I’ve neither had the strength to wear nor throw away, and somehow find the strength to wear it for my baby’s birthday and to celebrate Diwali when I visit the temple…

Wishing all my family and friends who are celebrating, a very warm, Happy Diwali & a Prosperous New Year.

B

Xx