…Alone in the room of the post natal ward, lookin.
Saturday 11th November 2006 – Alone in the room of the post natal ward, looking out from the hospital window to awake and find a bright, crisp, Autumn Saturday morning. After the storm in the night we have just been through HOW can it be such a beautiful morning?…
I stand here in disbelief over what has happened overnight, left without you in my arms – to hold, to feed, to watch over while asleep….my mind wonders over and over back to the events unfolding since your birth and the night which has just passed, taking you with it.
In my mind I am screaming out loud, wanting this all to stop, for time to take me back to when I held you in my arms for the first time, when you were only just born.
I silently float alone in my little bubble, feeling exhausted from all the crying, watchinig the world go about their usual Saturday morning. For a moment longer I still believe the nurse might come in and tell me it’s all just a bad dream.
Then, it hits me, quite unexpectedly, like a huge, crashing, wave knocking me to the floor – you are gone, taken away from me forever, only 2 days old!!
This is the moment I finally allow grief to consume me and take me on a journey, my wall crumbles and my world collapses around me…. My bubble of solitude bursts as I hit the floor with excruciating pain like I’ve never, ever felt before, every part of my body aches for you. I would give anything to hold you in my arms for another moment longer.
It is one of the hardest mornings of my life…
10 years on….I remember all the reasons you gave me to stay strong… I feel blessed to have carried you for nine months, to have felt the pain of giving birth to you, to have had the opportunity to bring you home, to have all your memories kept safe in your special box, for me to hold close whenever I miss you and most of all, to call you my Son!
Your sisters drive me crazy…I’m sure you would have too!!…both are daddy’s little girls….you maybe would have been a mummy’s little boy….I will never know… 😔
Although your journey was a very short one, you left a lasting impression and a lifetime of love for all those whose lives you touched.
In my thoughts and prayers today and everyday…Happy 10th birthday!! May you continue to rest in peace my gorgeous little baby boy…. Xx
Krishan Suresh Jesani
08th Nov.’06 (15:14) – 10th Nov.’06 (21:14)